More Local News

The information in this article may or may not be entirely true. It depends upon how you take it.

The nursing school in Mankato is auctioning off their gently used supplies because as nurse Helga explained in her advertisement, “We didn’t use these things on real people, but the wrappers are off so now we can’t.  But you could”.   So until they’re gone, a good deal can be had on catheters, sample collectors, and gauze.

Algot Tollefson, the local weatherman, has stepped out on his porch again today and declared it “A Sunny day with not too many clouds.  All in all, not too bad a day”.  He further mentioned that since we go off of daylight savings time this weekend, it will be darker, earlier now.   Good thing we have Algot to help us through these dark days.

Because it is considered proper, in some more conservative church circles, to stay about 20 years behind the world, the local Internet café – Dial-Up-Heaven (DUH for short) which was located in the Lutheran church basement, has now been recently evicted.  Church elders claimed that “the internets are in the air now so there is no need for actual space to be taken up.”  Also, they wanted to paint the basement a different shade of green, and with all those wires snaking around it made stripes, so they want it cleared out.  Social networks have created small pockets of agoraphobists who hesitate to leave, but who tend to reach out to virtual strangers.  Other disappointed locals, who now have no café to congregate in, have moved to one of the 4 local bars in this small town of 15.

The Catholic diocese has agreed to add a new Patron Saint to their repertory.  Saint Verbatim – Patron Saint of gossip.  There was some reluctance to admit this one but it was generally agreed that it was inevitable.  Saint Verbatum medals will now be sold at the corner drug store along with instructions for those who are of other faiths since, as the local Parish priest says, “this will be a popular one for all the masses, and may finally unite us all”.

School is going fairly well in this small, sparsely populated region.  Students continued to look blankly at the physics instructor as she lectured on Newton’s laws of motion today, until she explained why “May the Force Be With You” was said to fellow Republic members. This was actually the second law of motion, since an increase in force would result in an increase in acceleration, while to say, “May the Mass be with you” would be said to the Dark Side, since the inverse relationship of Force and Mass would cause a decrease in acceleration.  She is hoping they will get this enough for the final test so she won’t have to dress up and act it out.

And while that can’t be all the news, it’s probably enough at any one time.

Local News

This is a long awaited (for the author) update on Southern MN news.  Events may or may not be…totally true  slightly irreverent.

There are 2 colleges in Mankato/North Mankato.  The sorority group:
Sigma, (the sorority that tends to need the most academic help) has members from both the colleges, with the North Mankato girls mysteriously just disappearing after 2 years.   Locals are not sure if it is because the North Mankato chapter is just a 2 year college, or if the Ukulele playing group got run out by those who prefer concert instruments.  Their theme song “Tell me Why” was a local hit, but by that I mean *very local*.  Mostly those who meet each Tuesday at the “Coffee Hag” for coffee and pastries.

Perhaps you remember when a few years ago, a note was found nailed to the door of the Local Conservative Lutheran church, claiming that church supper hotdishes work quite well using 5 ingredients, as opposed to the previous requisite 4.  This caused quite a stir at the time (Mrs. Dagmar claimed she only did it to set hotdish making housewives free), but since then, many Lutheran hot dishes with 5 ingredients have been consumed in southern MN, without any spiritual backlash.  This resulted in 2 things: 1)they changed the standard on hotdishes, and 2)Conservative Lutherans from other States now look just slightly down on southern MN Lutherans who have moved to this practice.

The Local Chapter of the Norwegian Bus Drivers Guild meetings have experienced less interest than previously.  One of the drivers retired, the bus company got bought out, a few of the other drivers have landed in ditches (nobody was hurt), and there are generally fewer coffee meetings, even though eggshells are still provided free of charge.  Tours are still available, but most people are afraid of being bullied by students.  I’ll keep my eyes open for future developments.

The Spam Museum in Austin is still the most happening place in Southern MN, with tours daily, including free spam squares (1 per person) and activities that you are not allowed to discuss outside the building.  The gift shop is enormous and accounts for most of the net worth of Hormel, with items such as golf balls with the word “spamalot” printed on the side being best sellers.

Next update will include “Whatever happened to that local internet facility in the green church basement”

My Many Smokies (in honor of “Trumpkin”)

Once upon a time, way back when we drove cars but they looked waaay different
than they do now, Grandma Pam had a cat.  She loved the cat and she carried
it around wherever she went (except when a squirrel went by).  Since it was
grey and black striped ,Little Miss Grandma Pam had named it “Smokey”.  One day, Smokey went into the street and got hit by a car.  The cat doctor tied up his back leg and told little Miss Pam to not let Smokey jump.  Well, you know cats do as they please and 4 y/o little Miss Pam was not able to make Smokey mind, and quit jumping.  Perhaps this ruined Smokey’s ability to act quickly, but a few months later, Smokey went into the street again and this time he didn’t live to get his leg tied up again.  Little Miss Grandma Pam’s daddy found her another cat, and since most things were in black and white (this was so long ago, before color), she named this one “Smokey” too (plus she was in denial :-)).

One of Grandma Pam difficulties has always been *to make long stories short* but after going through 3 more “Smokey’s” before she was 8 years old, her family made the long trek to the Western side of the Mississippi River, where they soon found a family with too many kittens.  Since Little Miss Grandma Pam was the oldest, she naturally got everything she wanted and was the boss of everyone ;-), so she got to pick the cat and name it Smokey again.  It must have been God’s will that she do so, because this cat lived to be 18 years old, and weighed 25 pounds.  It finally, as we all do eventually, lost it’s mind, but that is another story.

Anyway, since I am the Mom *and* the Grandma, I am still the Queen of Everything, so I get to name the grey and black stripey cats that are born on our farm.  They all still get the name Smokey, because I believe that is the only name given by our Lord, to grey and black stripey cats. So you see, often good comes with bad.

Wait for it.